1001 uses for your Crowbar

  1. (Obvious) Use it to prise open your neighbour's door (window, whatever), hence increasing your yield of Swag.
  2. Use the curved end for hooking hold of small children and restraining them.
  3. Then use it as an effective threatening weapon for keeping them in line.
  4. Sharpen the end (with a file) and use it as a long range utensil for extracting pickled onions from jars.
  5. Attach a large generator to your back which supplies some wires wound around the length of the crowbar, giving you a portable solenoid electromagnet. If you force-feed your gerbil iron fillings you can then take it for walks by levitating it below the end of the crowbar with the resultant magnetic force
  6. With the addition of a few gallons of vaseline it can make an enjoyable and effective addition to your love-life. (NB this does require a very understanding partner).
  7. Invaluable for levering unwanted party-guests off your bed when it comes to that time of night when you no longer wish to be in a fully sentient state and don't want a pair of heaving arses pumping away near your head.
  8. Always keep a crowbar on your person whenever you're in crocodile country, it is especially useful in wedging open their big gaping maws in true cartoon-like style.
  9. Loop up to 5 toilets rolls on the shaft and suspend from the lavatory ceiling for those mornings-after-the-curry-the-night-before.
  10. lift up large, heavy rocks with one and experience the never before seen light-abhoring organisms hiding underneath, e.g. the average student.
  11. A crude but effective tool for opening oysters for the manually challenged.
  12. Solder a long piece of copper wire to the curved end and attach to your house roof as a lightening rod. (Optional extra: attach the other end to yourself; go on, it'll be fun....)
  13. Heat one end till it's red hot and then hold it by the other end till it burns you, thus demonstrating the high thermal conductivity of steel. Also handy for branding housemates who step out of line...
  14. Go to your local branch of Barclays and hold it up at crowbar point. Of course, noone will take you seriously but while they're rolling around on the floor pissing themselves you could nip round the desk, nick a couple of tenners and leg it. Job's a good un. (NB Don't forget the prerequisite Frankenstein mask and tutu).
  15. Stuff it down your trousers, locate the female of your choice, grin at her knowingly, nod at your fly-area and hold your hands out 14" apart as if to say "Yes, it really is that big!" ;) (NB doesn't really work if you're a woman, and if it does..run!)
  16. Cunningly replace your average steel crowbar with a lead one and impress your mates by bending it around your neck.
  17. Last (and most least) use it for applying large forces to pieces of machinery, removing nails, prising apart wooden structures and generally using it for the betterment of mankind. (Boring I know, but it is in fact its original intended purpose, believe it or not.)

There you have it, a certainly non-exhaustive list of uses for the not so humble crowbar. There are literlly, oooh, 5 more, but I can't think of them. I personally have used a small number of crowbars of varying sizes for varying purposes, none as exciting as the above but give me time.... When holding one they give you a tremendous feeling of power and strength. You think "With this tool I can do anything, no job too big for me. No longer will my scrawny, muscle-less frame hold me back; I am my crowbar and my crowbar is me. As one we are an unstoppable force, divided we are a human and a piece of drop-forged steel; come on world give it your best shot!!" Stand tall with your crowbar and be proud. But be careful, or soon everyone will be carrying 'bar' and the streets will no longer be safe to walk in. It is still a haunting memory for those of us who remember when the dreaded Monkey-Wrench Riots of '69 ripped through the community. We must work and strive to keep the crowbar as a tool for mankind, not as a weapon to destroy it. You have been warned......

John Bland, html-ized by Nick


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This page was last reviewed on Tuesday March 24th 1998
Nicholas Clark <Nicholas.Clark@Liverpool.ac.uk>