1001 uses for your Crowbar
- (Obvious) Use it to prise open your neighbour's door (window, whatever),
hence increasing your yield of Swag.
- Use the curved end for hooking hold of small children and restraining
- Then use it as an effective threatening weapon for keeping them in line.
- Sharpen the end (with a file) and use it as a long range utensil for
extracting pickled onions from jars.
- Attach a large generator to your back which supplies some wires wound around
the length of the crowbar, giving you a portable solenoid
electromagnet. If you force-feed your gerbil iron fillings you can then
take it for walks by levitating it below the end of the crowbar with the
resultant magnetic force
- With the addition of a few gallons of vaseline it can make an enjoyable and
effective addition to your love-life. (NB this does
require a very understanding partner).
- Invaluable for levering unwanted party-guests off your bed when it comes to
that time of night when you no longer wish to be in a fully sentient
state and don't want a pair of heaving arses pumping away near your
- Always keep a crowbar on your person whenever you're in crocodile country,
it is especially useful in wedging open their big gaping maws in true
- Loop up to 5 toilets rolls on the shaft and suspend from the lavatory
ceiling for those mornings-after-the-curry-the-night-before.
- lift up large, heavy rocks with one and experience the never before seen
light-abhoring organisms hiding underneath, e.g. the average
- A crude but effective tool for opening oysters for the manually
- Solder a long piece of copper wire to the curved end and attach to your
house roof as a lightening rod. (Optional extra: attach the other end to
yourself; go on, it'll be fun....)
- Heat one end till it's red hot and then hold it by the other end till it
burns you, thus demonstrating the high thermal conductivity of
steel. Also handy for branding housemates who step out of line...
- Go to your local branch of Barclays and hold it up at crowbar point. Of
course, noone will take you seriously but while they're rolling around
on the floor pissing themselves you could nip round the desk, nick a
couple of tenners and leg it. Job's a good un. (NB
Don't forget the prerequisite Frankenstein mask and tutu).
- Stuff it down your trousers, locate the female of your choice, grin at her
knowingly, nod at your fly-area and hold your hands out 14" apart as if
to say "Yes, it really is that big!" ;) (NB doesn't
really work if you're a woman, and if it does..run!)
- Cunningly replace your average steel crowbar with a lead one and impress
your mates by bending it around your neck.
- Last (and most least) use it for applying large forces to pieces of
machinery, removing nails, prising apart wooden structures and generally
using it for the betterment of mankind. (Boring I know, but it is in
fact its original intended purpose, believe it or not.)
There you have it, a certainly non-exhaustive list of uses for the not so
humble crowbar. There are literlly, oooh, 5 more, but I can't think of
them. I personally have used a small number of crowbars of varying sizes
for varying purposes, none as exciting as the above but give me
time.... When holding one they give you a tremendous feeling of power and
strength. You think "With this tool I can do anything, no job too big for
me. No longer will my scrawny, muscle-less frame hold me back; I am my
crowbar and my crowbar is me. As one we are an unstoppable force, divided
we are a human and a piece of drop-forged steel; come on world give it
your best shot!!" Stand tall with your crowbar and be proud. But be
careful, or soon everyone will be carrying 'bar' and the streets will no
longer be safe to walk in. It is still a haunting memory for those of us
who remember when the dreaded Monkey-Wrench Riots of '69 ripped through
the community. We must work and strive to keep the crowbar as a tool
for mankind, not as a weapon to destroy it. You have been
John Bland, html-ized by Nick
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This page was last reviewed on Tuesday March 24th 1998